Brampton Folk Festival

The Brampton Folk Festival committee would like to take this opportunity to assure readers that a camp-site will most surely be provided at this year's festival, as will toilet facilities, in response to complaints from local residents and some morris dancers.

We are hoping this year's workshops will include tuition on how to remove a hurdy-gurdy from the lower bowel in an emergency, how to surreptitiously exchange a bodhran player's beater for a Stanley knife, and for 'a cappella' singers, complete mastery of the artistically indeterminate                pause.

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Security will be tighter than ever this year following last year's near-disaster when, sadly, a toddler had to be shot by welfare stewards for not displaying a valid ticket. Members of the local Territorial Army will be helping to secure the perimeter and patrol dogs will be used on site to keep order. In the interests of safety, ticket-holders are asked not to make any sudden moves or loud noises, and the festival committee would like to make it clear that escape attempts will be futile. Regrettably, pets will not be allowed onsite this year following last years' sheep incident.

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This year's compulsory traditional singalong turnip roast will be on Friday evening.

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Members of the public are asked not to bring weaponry or saxophones onto the festival site for any reason.

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New European regulations oblige the committee to point out that although 2500 tickets are on sale, fire regulations dictate that only 623 people are allowed to be present at any one time in the main marquee including security personnel and artistes. There will however be a team of jugglers onsite for the entertainment of disabled visitors and those less able to defend themselves. We also regret that in case of fire, all seats in the main marquee are required to face the exit at all times.

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Due to 63 unclaimed crutches being found on the site after last year's festival, we regret to say that there will be no concessions for disabled ticket holders this year. Other unclaimed lost property last year included numerous glass eyes, a wooden leg, a spin dryer, a goat, 2 pairs of handcuffs, a set of 'Chinese love eggs', and 3 banjos. Several wheelchairs were also found abandoned around the healing-tent area.

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Festival catering this year will be provided by Gristle Brothers' Mobile Bistro (below) and a special cut-price menu has been devised for festival-goers covering a comprehensive range of culinary preferences.

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