Sodde
Hall
Health
Spa, Brampton
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"Egypt has
the pyramids, India has the Taj Mahal, and Brampton will always have Sodde
Hall".
(Cuthbert
Le Sodde, 1496-1532; 1st Earl of Brampton, builder of Sodde Hall.)
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Designed
years ahead of its time by the celebrated architect Sir Peter J. Pratte
and completed in 1529, the majestic splendour of Sodde Hall still stands
as a timeless monument to a bygone age, and the jewel in Brampton's crown.
You too can now experience these formerly exclusive and luxurious surroundings,
whilst at the same time losing those extra pounds of hideous flab. No longer
do you have to risk frightening small children with your repellant ugliness
or be obliged to sit alone when using public transport. Our full range
of scientifically proven therapies will be at your disposal, expertly supervised
by our team of highly qualified trainee managers. Reserve your place now,
and look forward to being accepted as a human again.
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Dr. Pots
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Along
with our exclusive health and beauty treatments, our unique personalized
"Mind and Body" programme includes motivational, self assertion, pain management
and humiliation workshops, according to the exclusive individual diagnosis
of our esteemed proprietor and founder Dr. Ambrose P. Pots.
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Fully
equipped with the latest state-of-the-art technology, we offer the privileges
of Sodde Hall to the public at incomparably reasonable rates, along with
our own unequalled credit facilities. Contact
us straight away for an estimate, listing your symptoms and any special
'personal' requirements.
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A
very special clamp
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Highly
complex medical apparatus
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Sodde
Hall Health Spa offers several unique and exclusive treatments unavailable
elsewhere. Our luxuriously relaxing tepid sludge baths are second
to none, and often utilized in conjunction with our "Reekatherapy"® products, which are
manufactured on the premises and also available from our retail outlet
"Stench-U-Like" for a variety of home uses. Sodde Hall's own fully qualified
reekatherapist and dietician Nelly Groucher will ensure you receive the
treatment you so richly deserve as one of our inestimably valued clients.
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Hao
T'a
Brought
back from the mysterious east by our esteemed founder Dr. Ambrose Pots,
the ancient and relatively unknown alternative healing technique "Hao T'a",
or to use a more scientific nomenclature, timberic proboscotherapy, can
be used to treat most illnesses simply by clamping small pieces of various
types of damp wood to the sides of the nose. A combination of cedar and
mahogany, for example, is particularly effective in the treatment of leg
complaints, but only if the cedar is clamped on the right side of the nose,
and the mahogany on the left. Cedar clamped to the left is known to cause
violent hallucinations, more so if used in conjunction with rightwardly
placed harder fruit woods such as pear, cherry or apple. It is therefore
strongly recommended that a qualified and experienced timberic proboscotherapist
should always be consulted, particularly for the treatment of juveniles
or senior citizens, as the effects of incorrect treatment can be unpredictable.
Needless to say, Sodde Hall Health Spa probably has the finest and best
equipped timberic proboscotherapy studio in the world, and all treatment
is carried out to an incomparable standard under the close supervision
of Dr. Pots, the most highly qualified timberic proboscotherapist in the
western hemisphere
An
ancient oriental nose clamp
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For
those wishing to try the more basic effects of "Hao T'a" for themselves,
a harmless but nonetheless potent aphrodisiac effect can be produced by
using maple on the left and bubinga on the right. However, it should be
noted that a reversed orientation of the timbers, in this particular case,
will produce an effect opposite to that which is desired. Please bear this
in mind if you are clamping wood to another person's nose. It should also
be noted that use of the same type of wood clamped to both sides of the
nose is not only pointless, but may cause delusions of inferiority.
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