Dear Cecil

Griselda Slagge (Ms.)

Cecil says:
I think you should be utterly ashamed of yourself, bringing up a child in such a slipshod and irresponsible manner. Unless you want your son to grow up thinking cigarette lighters grow on trees, you should make him earn the money to buy his own. A good beating may help; it certainly never did me any harm.

Enid Welt, Grim Place, Brampton.

Cecil says:
I'm sick to the teeth of whinging old coffin dodgers like you rambling on and on incessantly about how things used to be better, smelling of mints and lavender, and using up valuable health resources, not to mention housing. You get free money every week - if you spent more of it on washing powder, you might not smell so much. Perhaps if you bought a copy of my book, "How to Make a Fortune", you may start to see things more in proportion. I would, however, recommend that you read it quite quickly.

Yours sincerely,
Edith Plumpton, Snide Close.

Cecil says:
Dear Edith,
This would seem to be a cheese related problem, although I would most certainly advise the acquisition of a stout tether at the earliest opportunity, as you are leaving yourself open to all manner of unforeseen problems. I would be inclined to suggest some form of cheese based suppository as a way of alleviating your rodent problem, although great care must be taken when dabbling rectally with cheese, believe me. I am not personally an expert in that particular field, and would strongly recommend that you seek the advice of an experienced cheesemonger before commencing any self-devised treatment. In the short term, it may be worth contacting Mr Rupert Spleen of International Pest Eradication (Brampton) for a more conventional solution. I fully sympathise with your problem; it can be a source of great embarrassment, especially at parties and social functions.

Rudolph J. Pratt (Mr.), Sodde Hall Rd., Brampton.

Cecil says:
I would suggest, assuming you have one, using the back door for a few months. However, you may of course live in a flat, in which case I would recommend moving as soon as possible, particularly if you own a dog. If the offending pile is large enough to prevent access to your letterbox, I would suggest fashioning a temporary chute arrangement from old cereal boxes, in order to facilitate the delivery of your mail. This could be one explanation why both your M.P. and the Prime Minister appear to have heartlessly ignored your plight. It is worth pointing out, however, that there are certain advantages to your situation, in that you may experience a reduction in the number of unwanted salesmen and smiling religious lunatics at the door. I have been using this technique for a few years now, and find it fairly effective, though not entirely so.

Albert Simpleton, Pothole Road

Cecil says:
I always enjoy reading follow up letters from people who follow my suggestions. It seems that this time the Sunday morning stroll down the M1 motorway did not have the desired effect. The best thing you can do is send me a cheque for £100 and buy a copy of my book, "How To Make a Fortune". You can keep your mind active and plan for the future.

Mavis Toot, Old Brampton

Cecil says:
Oh dear, so many of my letters contain similar problems nowadays! Your best bet is to take one heaped teaspoonful of olive oil and mix in a few shredded nettle leaves and one level tablespoonful of good quality pipe tobacco. (alternatively 2 dessertspoons of snuff can be used) This should then be mashed thoroughly with a fork, and introduced as a suppository.

Fred Jollop, Brampton Brooks

Cecil says:
You must be very depressed even after the redundancy payments, I suggest you buy several copies of my book, that will help you come to terms with events.

Rose Swiftly, Grim Place

Cecil says:
The legal side of things is ouside my sphere of knowledge, but having consulted with the Brampton Bugle's legal adviser Tom Burke, there seems little that you can do without spending £318.56 + vat. As to the second matter, a half  brick seems fine for a broken nose.

Cecil says:
Dear Mr. Hogginbottom,
I cannot help but suspect that you are quite likely the sole member of the M.W.S.M.S.S.U.G.S., and that you are suffering from a little known rare condition that I have in fact observed and researched at some length, namely "bagpiper's palsy". Recent scientific research has shown that the radiation emitted by certain types of bagpipes can bring about a dillusional state, sometimes accompanied by a marked inability to communicate in an orthodox manner. This can result in the sufferer having imaginary friends and talking drivel. Luckily, I can suggest a helpful remedy devised by none other than our own Dr. Ambrose Pots, which should at least relieve the symptoms for short periods. Add four heaped tablespoonfuls of rough sawdust to about half a cupful of fresh brake fluid and mash thoroughly with a fork to an even consistency. Mix in a handful of chilli peppers and five dessertspoonfuls of bleach. Wash your hands, then again mash thoroughly with a fork, but this time over a low heat. Sprinkle in three level teaspoonfuls of good quality compost and one of coarsely ground black pepper, then add five or six desertspoonfuls of treacle. Mash well, allow to cool slightly and mould the mixture to an appropriate shape, thickening with builders' sand if necessary. Wrap in fresh nettle leaves and firmly introduce as a suppository. (It might be advisable to enlist the help of a family member or friendly neighbour at this stage) Finally, insert a small potato to prevent any embarrassing leakage.