FASHION - Brampton Bugle

Fashion & Lifestyle News
edited by Walter Wallcarpet
Brampton sperm bank

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Choose the pants of the future!
Only available at
TOP STYLES
(of Brampton)
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PANTS

Nowadays, with so much choice in the shops, choosing the correct underpants can be a real problem. In a recent baffling survey, an astonishing 87.9% of the women questioned preferred their partners to wear the most ridiculous looking and uncomfortable pants available, describing any remotely sensible garment as anything from "dusters" to "passion killers". The rest demonstrated a more utilitarian taste, stating that they didn't care as long as the pants were clean, but most of those were without partners, and their answers merely theoretical fantasy.
The results were carefully analysed by local psychologist and fashion guru Dr. Seivad Nush, who said; "The conclusion is obvious: male fashion has been dictated in this manner for centuries - look at ruffs, codpieces and flared trousers. This phenomenon is not new by any means, it is clearly a symptom of insecurity."
Based on these scientifically formulated conclusions, we at TOP STYLES, your caring local gentlemen's undergarment retail outlet, have developed our own range of pants for the caring twenty first century man. Get the pants of the future - today!
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(All our products are fully tested on animals for safety)

Fashion Scoop!

ONLY £35.73!!

These fine quality handmade balaclavas are available exclusively from the Brampton Bugle.
Each one is lovingly crafted from the wool of rare yellow sheep, and cunningly reinforced with recycled string, resulting in a product that will last for generations.
Be the envy of your neighbours!
Scoff at their unfashionable hats!
Stand proudly whilst they spit at you!
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Credit facilities available
(your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments.)

The exclusive Brampton Bugle Balaclava, modelled by Garth Storm and photographed by Reg Snipe.

Correction

In last week's Alternative Vegetarian Eco-friendly cooking article due to a printing error we neglected to add the following line; "remember to remove the bramble stem thorns before serving". After complaints from readers about multiple oral lacerations, we apologize for any injuries received.

Knitting with Style
Brampton underwear

Girls!
Look stylish this summer by knitting this stunning bikini bottom. The design is unisex, so treat your partner to a matching pair as well!

Method
100g. DK wool. 1pr. Size 8 needles.
Cast on 75 st.
K12 rows. Continue in st. st.
Dec. 1st at beg. of every row until 25 st. remain.
Work 2 rows plain.
Inc. 1st at beg. of every row until 75 st. on needle.
Work 12 rows K.
Cast off loosely.

By folding the knitted item below in two and sewing the edges together you have the completed item.

All that is needed now for a little exclusivity is some cord or string to tie off.
Brampton String
See next edition for a bikini top to match.

Ladies!
blood stains

now with enzymes!

Next time you find yourself cleaning up after a good punch-up, perhaps a ritual sacrifice, or even a bit of D.I.Y. surgery, reach for new Scraggs Biological Blood Buster and bust those bloodstains clean away with our special scientifically formulated lifetime guaranteed cleaning compound with enzymes. Don't put up with those dried up spattered blood clots on the living room walls any longer than you have to!

(WARNING! for external use only - product may contain traces of nut)

Pointless Tripe