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(by Duane Pipe, news correspondent) The long awaited opening ceremony of the new Brampton Abattoir Entertainment and Conference Centre took place last Tuesday despite protests from local conservationists claiming the site was a breeding ground for a very rare species of rat. The official opening of the newly restored Victorian slaughterhouse building was carried out by celebrity chart-busting international rap megastar Otis Dreadful, currently on tour in the UK, who described the new centre as: "One wicked mo'fo' of a groove palace, man." However, the real high spot of the ceremony was the ever popular Brampton Ladies' Circle Knitting Club stunt team providing a breathtakingly accomplished exhibition of synchronised knitting, much to the thrilled delight of the crowd. Police spokesperson P.C. Bernard Tiddle told our reporter: "We expected a much bigger crowd, but we still managed to make a few arrests despite the inclement weather which kept away the morris dancers."  The Brampton Abattoir Entertainment and Conference Centre ******* Forthcoming attractions at the newly opened Abattoir Centre will include: Slugs! Is the bad press justified? This fascinating three-hour lecture is all about slug breeding and their remarkable lifestyles, from the famous local ornithologist Nicholas Gaffe. Adults £5-00, children £4-50. Lecture by Professor Gior Scraumin (University of Poolsbrook) Puntious phalancrity and biqualarianism in delaphinoidal transmillificatory polyclaptions perbolating reversed tyrectical mendalic artriotism for deruditory frambicants in polymyoquismic melomiacs. All Together Now! A screening of the world's first silent musical; a cinematic rarity. Shot in 1921, this popular black and white film was years ahead of its time, but was shrouded with controversy amid accusations of miming. Starring Victoria Fleume and Oswald Mucous during the highlight of their careers before the onset of the talkies. (PG) Laughalonga Les Chuckle the night away with local comedian Les Miserable, hot from his recent tour of Cumbrian working men's clubs. ******* ::::: BUGLE FACT FILE ::::: The Victorian former abattoir building was acquired by Brampton District Council two years ago when it was sold off due to a mysterious decline in local demand for fresh meat. Readers will doubtless remember the scandal and intrigue surrounding the disappearance at that time of popular slaughterman, owner and local entrepeneur William 'Porky' Rump (58), whose great-grandfather Jacob started the slaughtering business in the mid 1800's in his kitchen. Since Rump's unaccountable disappearance, his wife Lulu (20) has made ends meet by diversifying the family business, and now also runs a fitness and aromatherapy studio above the present day slaughterhouse, which since opening its doors to the public is proving to be a very popular tourist attraction as one of the very first public abattoirs in the country. Mrs. Rump is reported to have first had the idea whilst watching a bullfight on holiday. ***** |
Copyright Brampton Bugle Publications 2004
"Grasping the bull by the tail"