Brampton News

~ Local News in Brief ~

Strange Coincidence

The Brampton Bugle is pleased to be the bringer of good news, having through its pages reunited childhood sweethearts Sidney Slasher (81) and Enid Welt (78) of Grim Place, Brampton, after 56 years. The pair had been inseparable lovers until February 1947 when Enid, on a shopping trip to nearby Cutthorpe, mistakenly caught the wrong bus. She ended up at the lavish and expensive coastal resort of Cleethorpes, and hopelessly lost with several heavy bags of potatoes and no money left, it took her over a week to walk home, by which time all contact with Sidney, sadly, had been lost. An elated Sidney explained to Bugle reporter Dawn Crevice: "It was just lucky. I was reading your fine article about my beloved Enid selflessly saving someone's life after the recent horrendous unicycle accident, and realised she was living on the same road as me, only next door but one. It's an uncanny coincidence - but it just goes to show, doesn't it? It certainly makes you wonder."
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Education Success in Brampton

Brampton schools are celebrating the recent exam pass rates with an improvement in all subjects. Local teachers are particularly proud to point out that mathematics had a pass rate of 107 percent and the newly introduced subjects of graffiti and basket-weaving also inspired superb results. Mr. Horace Clitter, headteacher of the Hawley Crippen School, told our reporter: "Every year the results get more impressive; it just goes to show that the standard of teaching continues to improve."
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Swindling Solicitor Probed

Local divorce lawyer Eamonn Uttcase (61) is being probed by the fraud squad for sending out 20,000 anonymous Valentine cards last February. Suspicious Postmistress Ms. Gladys Bibbling (58) alerted local police and Brampton Post Office was evacuated for three hours due to the hazardous build up of noxious fumes from the cheap perfume with which Uttcase had scented the cards.
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Cheat Scandal Shame Probe - Swindling Mangle Man Rumbled

Disgraced Brampton Smokers' Keep Fit Association member Leopold Partifrock has been thrown out after being discovered to be a non-smoker. It had been noticed that self-employed mangle repair engineer Partifrock (37) had consistently won first prize in all the sporting competitions at the club since joining and has never actually been seen smoking. According to a reliable source, when he was confronted by curious members, Partifrock admitted he had always sold the prizes or exchanged them for muesli. Long upstanding member and veteran pipe smoker Mrs. Doris "rough shag" Dragon (49), who wishes to remain anonymous, told our reporter: "It's a disgrace; they should bring back the birch, it never did me any harm. Just give me five minutes with the *****er". The club committee was unavailable for comment, but were said to be fuming with anger.
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Ancient Brick Circle Discovered

Tourists flooded into the Brampton area this weekend to view the recently discovered ancient brick circle in the grounds of historic Sodde Hall, now used as a health spa. Professor Sigmund Treadlebalm, Head of Archaeology at the University of Poolsbrook, believes it to be possibly even older than the vastly inferior stone circle at Stonehenge. Entrance fee is £5, and refreshments are available along with souvenirs.
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Pensioner Lost Outside Supermarket

Baffled daughter Miss Marlene Gonne (45) told our reporter: "I left her tethered to the railings outside the shop like I always do, and when I came back my mother had disappeared into thin air." Anyone who was in the vicinity of Muffs Hypermart last Saturday morning who may have seen anything should contact the local police station immediately. The possibility of an alien abduction has not been ruled out, but according to a police spokesman, "is doubtful".
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Family Poisoning Mystery

The alternative green lifestyle vegetarian ecologically friendly family of Mr Alan Fresco (34) his wife Lilly (30) and daughter Poppy (14) were recently struck down by a mystery poisoning only two weeks after receiving multiple oral lacerations from eating bramble stems. Doctors are also baffled by the fact that Mr. Fresco's formerly impressive beard has turned completely white.
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Local Education News

Concerns are rising about the number of expulsions from the Hawley Crippen School on Main Road, Brampton (above). Over the last year, 162 of the 167 pupils have been expelled for a wide variety of criminal offences and breaches of school rules. Two of the remaining children have been absent for nearly eight weeks and are currently under review. Head teacher Mr Horace Clitter stated: "All our eight teachers are strict disciplinarians and excellent tutors, this year our examination result percentages will be superb."

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Charity in Brampton

Weeks of fund raising activities by the staff of the Royal Bank of Brampton have culminated in the handing over of a cheque for the sum of £32,344.28 to charity. Branch manager Mr Robin Snaffle handed over the cheque to the Brampton Home for the Criminally Insane stating: "We owe a lot to this establishment; some of our former staff have been residents over the years". Recent fund raising events have included a sponsored pie eating competition, and the sale of various animals.
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