Brampton News

Brampton Fruit Outbreak

Worried residents all over Brampton have lately been subjected to a baffling outbreak of fruit, with no apparent explanation. Confused locals have been waking up to find a bewildering array of fruit in a strange variety of mystifying places about their homes. "I were flabbergasted", said Mrs. Elsie Mackerel (76) of Crumbling Terrace. "I were just scrubbing out me back passage, and there it were, bold as brass; a f***ing lemon." Other reported cases include sixteen crates of satsumas which unaccountably appeared overnight in the garden shed of a man in Stench Street, and a whole bunch of bananas which enigmatically appeared beneath a lady's coat whilst she was out shopping. Mr. and Mrs. Thorsen, however, wish to remain anonymous. A local expert on paranormal phenomena told the Brampton Bugle; "Mind control, that's what it is."
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~ Brampton Tourist Board Information ~ Panning for gold in Brampton
	We at the British Sludge Corporation have allocated a special section of the sparkling river Hipper, between the Brampton sewage works and Stench Street, so that you and your family can blissfully while away the hours panning for gold to your hearts' content. Imagine the excitement. At only £29.99 our custom made pans will last many years, are slightly rust resistant and dolphin friendly.
"My wife and three children spent four hours up to their knees in cold Hipper water panning for gold. Oh how we laughed." (Mr. D. Lousing, Slattock on Mynge.) -------- "My son and I usually go fishing, and just for a change we went panning - we found all sorts of things." (Vernon Grimslapper, Brampton.) -------- "My niece was thoroughly delighted." (Rev. Godfrey Horace Chuttle, The Vicarage, Blathering on the Wold.)

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