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(by Rosetta Stone, religious correspondent) At least twelve people including several police officers were severely injured last weekend in a vicious fracas lasting over forty-five minutes when rival clerics exchanged blows of savage ferocity at the Whippet Inn public house, Brampton. According to eye-witnesses, the incident began when local mystic Mr. Dennis Parsnip (39) took offence after Neville Pappy (31), a senior member of the Church of the Holy Vestment, allegedly splashed his sandal with urine in the toilets, causing him to drop the meat pie he was eating. Parsnip then called Pappy's parentage and sexual persuasion into question, whereupon Pappy stamped on the meat pie, rendering it all but inedible. A violent fist fight ensued, during which the two brawling men fell through the door into the public bar where enraged domino players lent their assistance to the proceedings. Police were called when Brampton's 'Mr. Charity', Reverend Oswald Barnabus Trimp (43), still recovering from a mystery disease thought by toxicologists to be contracted from sitting naked in a bath of defective peas for charity, bravely went to the aid of his outnumbered acquaintance Parsnip, hurling various items of furniture across the room and rendering several people unconscious. Fuelled with a religious fervour and still dressed in his working clothes with his holy accoutrements to hand from attending that afternoon's football match, Reverend Trimp dragged Pappy outside into the street in order to, as he later explained to our reporter: "Teach him the ways of the Lord". The two men were later released after being cautioned and no further charges were brought although police wish to interview Parsnip, who has not been seen since the incident. Landlord Neil Downpettle (56) explained, "Various local religious committees regularly use our upstairs room for 'spiritual strategy' meetings and the like; we always seem to get mayhem from them at last orders on a Saturday night. God knows what they do up there. Still, I can't complain, they keep me in business". The meat pie was not recovered and is believed by police to have been stolen by persons unknown; any information received will be treated in the strictest confidence. *****  Our intrepid photographer Reg Snipe was on the scene. |
Copyright Brampton Bugle Publications 2004
"Grasping the bull by the tail"