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(by Pedro Snout) The world famous and popular local busking spoon artiste Cedric Prance, better known as the 'Cutlery King', has been attacked for the second time in three months. His family heirloom collecting hat, brimming with cash, was allegedly stolen by "An ugly looking character wearing a balaclava" during a recital of popular madrigals last Wednesday afternoon outside the premises of Brampton funeral directors Clutterbuck and Bracegirdle. Eye-witness Kylie Gormliss (20) described the balaclava as "Yeller". Only recently, as previously reported on these pages, Cedric's antique stainless steel Chinese musical spoons were taken by an unscrupulous thief during a rest break in one of his sell out performances. Fortunately he was compensated on that occasion as his priceless spoons were insured, but this time it will be difficult to prove how many hundreds of pounds were in his grandfather's irreplaceable antique stetson hat. ***** |
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| Dr.
Pots says:
"This time of year, my surgery is always full of people suffering embarrassingly from the E.F.S. virus (Excessive Flatulence Syndrome). My receptionist complains with desperate regularity about having to endure the unpleasant side effects of this affliction and has even had to resort to taking snuff, due to the fire risk. Now there is a way to avoid the worst side effects with a simple inexpensive device called the 'Orifice Stopper'. This remarkable invention is made from synthetic rubber with a clear plastic tube to which is attached a specially developed 'stench filter' and a pressure sensitive reed unit. The filter removes any unpleasant odour and the fully adjustable reed changes the tone and pitch of any gaseous expulsion, leaving strangers mystified as to the sound source. There can be little doubt that the world would be a better place if everyone were stoppered." ***** |
Be Cool! Be Stoppered! Only £59.73 inc. carriage (deluxe gift wrapping £7.31 per item) |
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Copyright Brampton Bugle Publications 2002/2003
"Don't mess with us, we're barmy"