Dear Kevinella,
Perhaps you could try chewing a few razor blades or drinking bleach. If this doesn't work, try burning down the school.

Dear Sally,
This sounds like a clear case of demonic possession to me. The most effective solution is to slice off the animal's head with a razor blade, eat the remaining portion quickly before it goes cold, and bury the head beneath an ash tree at midnight on the eve of the next full moon. Until then the severed head should be wrapped in a silk handkerchief, soaked in the urine of a rabid dog, and placed under your pillow.

Dear Desmond,
Your mummy sounds quite demented to me. A nice gesture would be to take a teaspoon and pop out the eyeballs, scoop out the brains with a fork, wedge open the mouth, fit a lightbulb inside and give it to mummy to use as a bedside reading lamp.